


VOLUME ONE - Golden Days

by cheetoziers



Series: House of Memories [1]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Young Veins
Genre: 1970s, Bands, Immortality, M/M, POV Ryan Ross, Pete Wentz Is Sad, Rock Stars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2020-05-02 14:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19200415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheetoziers/pseuds/cheetoziers
Summary: The year is 1975 and Ryan Ross has fallen in love. The only problem is, he can't have him.





	1. 1.0

 

it had been far too long. far too long since i had seen him and i couldn't take it anymore. we'd spent so many years together that i couldn't just forget him. not like he wanted me to. like he had told me to.

he just made it so much more bearable for me. i hadn't known there were more like me until i met brendon. i was going to live forever but why live forever if i didn't have him now? it was going to be us against the world for the rest of our lives. 

 immortal. that's what we are. that's what i thought our love would be. but i had gone and thrown that away too. i held the faded picture in my hands as i laid back on my bed. the bed that he would've been laying next to me in. 

i missed his smile more than anything. it was the most beautiful thing in the world. he was the most beautiful thing in the world. i missed holding him close to me after a long night. looking into those tired brown eyes. that laugh. it seemed i never failed to make him laugh. i also never failed to make him cry.

 i wanted so badly to go back that day we had first met. i wanted to go back and tell him to just stay away. i was only going to get attached and that would only make me hurt him.  

but i couldn't go back. so i only looked at that picture, fingers running slowly over the date printed neatly in his handwriting.

 

**_october 31st, 1975_ **


	2. 1.1

halloween, 1975. 

i'm still new on scene. about two months. but these days, no one really cares how new you are as long as you've got talent. and looks. they always said i had both. i didn't see it. i looked more like my mother than anything and i wouldn't remember what that looks like. it's what my father would tell me.

being a musician, i made a lot of friends. i was only dabbling when i started out. playing my guitar in an empty park one night. that's when he found me. dallon weekes. bassist. singer. record producer.

and what a beautiful disaster it was when we met. he nearly passed me by, but hearing me finish that song caused him to stop short. "hey, you. what's that called?"

i looked up, setting the guitar down next to me. i was awkward. a teenager still. "um.. it doesn't exactly have a name yet."

and that was it. now here i was surrounded by clouds of smoke, the stench of alcohol, and girls who presented themselves in such ways that their daddies surely wouldn't approve of.

as usual, it was one of gabe's parties. we had quickly grown close. becoming good friends and even each other's stress reliever. but that's all it was. stress. i never actually felt anything for him nor him for me.

i don't remember her name. far too buzzed to even have a guess close to it. she's blonde and quite a ball of energy. the room is spinning and so is she, her hips against mine and her hands all over me.

i don't have the patience or the tolerance for her and the music is just getting to my head along with whatever i had taken. i place  
my hands on her hips, keeping the girl still. my head is pounding, the music matching the tempo of my heartbeat.

i grab a fistful of my hair, closing my eyes as i back away from the girl. i need to find the bathroom. i know any second i'm going to lose my lunch.

pushing doors open, i instantly regret it every time. guys on girls. committing carnal acts that neither party would remember the next day. i finally find it, my fingers fumbling to grab the doorknob and turn it.

there he is. fingers digging into his hips. mouth on his. the backs of his thighs pressed against the sink. before i can speak, i feel it. running straight for the toilet, i drop to my knees, the contents of my stomach, which was close to nothing, revealing itself as the vile liquid that rose from my throat.

the two men pulled apart, one with a jet black head of hair and the other with bright chocolate brown eyes and wild hair. i stare longer than i should have, my jaw dropping more than it already had. his jeans hang low on his hips, exposing the delicate skin.

i want to be the boy. although he looks vaguely familiar. like someone i know. my head is spinning still. i can't think straight. next thing i know, the brown eyed beauty is speaking. he's speaking to me! and rushing over. i seem to have hit my head on the toilet somehow and everything soon turns black.

~~~~

i wake up in someone's bed. my head hurts and a glass of water rests on the table next to me. three small pills sit next to it. next to that, a noted scrawled in messy handwriting. _his_ messy handwriting. i just knew it;

_**we have some things to talk about. when you sober up and recover. i'll be back from work around five. don't make a mess or steal my things. the dogs will eat you alive.**_  
_**~ b.u. (pretty brown eyes. you mumbled a lot in your drunken state. it was cute.)**_


	3. 1.2

he needs to talk to me. but about what? i have no idea. i get out of the unfamiliar bed, noticing i'm only in my underwear. i think nothing of it as i search the room for my clothes. it's two o'clock. i still have time to kill. time that i have no idea how to spend in someone else's apartment.

the place is small but homey. it's been lived in, loved in, hated in. i scan the room, looking for any sign that could tell me who b.u. is. i find a picture of the boy, another man's arm around his waist. the man he was with at the party. the caption underneath the photo reads, **_b + p : 4-12-74_**

pete wentz. bassist for decay. my band. he named it. thought the name would offend mothers and convince children to rebel. it seemed to work that way so far.

the current line up consisted of lead singer ryan ross, bassist pete wentz, guitarist joe trohman, and drummer tyler joseph. tyler didn't usually drum but him and i had become close friends and was willing to get out of his comfort zone to join.

it turns out that this "b.u." and pete wentz are together. that's how i recognized the other guy. he is one of my best friends. i place the photo down, going for the pills and glass of water. i take the pills, hoping to ease the pounding pain in my skull.

i hear barking and go towards the sound, holding my head. i trip over a coffee table, nearly knocking over a vase of roses. the vase rattles as the table shakes. heading towards the sound, i look around for more clues.

mail. i can't do that. the barking stops and i find the source. a small dog stands in the kitchen, staring at me. "hey, little guy.." i approach the dog slowly, hoping not to scare it away. "what's your name?" i hold a hand out and it comes closer, allowing me to read the name on the dog's collar. "bogart. hi. i'm ryan. just visiting." another dog enters the room and the one in front of me barks.

how many dogs does this guy have? i turn towards the other one, reading that collar. "well, penny lane. nice to meet you too. i'm probably insane for talking to dogs but.. nobody else seems to be here."

the two of them start barking, the pounding in my head now back. "what? are you hungry?" i search the kitchen, finding a bag of dog food. once the dogs are fed i go back to the mail. it's wrong but i have to see.

i pick up one letter, reading who it was sent to. brendon urie. i read the name a few times, not hearing the door open. "it's not nice to go through people's things." i drop the mail and turn towards the door. it's him again.

~~~~

we're sitting on the couch, a cup of coffee in both of our hands. "we have a lot to discuss. a lot i haven't told anyone from last night, ryan." how did he know me? well, it made sense since i was in his boyfriend's band.

"and.. what would that be?" i held the mug tightly in my hands, trying to calm the shaking. i take a sip of the coffee, staring into it. "last night. in the bathroom. i saw you. you hit your head really hard. there was blood. no one wanted to call an ambulance. they were scared of police. damn fools."

i watched his body language as he spoke, nodding at his words. he talked with his hands. occasionally, his hands find their way to his hair, tugging in frustration. "so what is the point of this?"

"you died! you died and i was the only one around. ten minutes later, you were back. no pulse. i felt nothing." i freeze, know i had gone pale from what he is saying. "you're immortal, ryan." "how... how would you know that?"

"because i'm the same way."


	4. 1.3

i'm avoiding him. i'm avoiding him and i don't know why. but he's always around. i sit on the tour bus with gabe, a lit cigarette between my lips.

gabe is a roadie. occasionally he fills in for me when i'm having an off day. the fans love him. he's far more energetic than i am.

the bus was still new albeit a bit messy. what did dallon expect? we were young and stupid and partying was the only thing on our agenda besides our shows. i took a drag from the cigarette, closing my eyes.

"what's got you so stressed?" i open one eye, looking towards gabe. he could always read me. "it's nothing." i took another drag before he grabbed the cigarette from me, putting it out.

"talk. now." he put a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. i shrug his hand away, shaking my head. "it's nothing. just stress." he raises an eyebrow about to speak before i grab him by the back of his neck, kissing him.

he kisses back feverishly, his hands going to rest on my hips. it had been a while for him. i can tell. the way he pushes me back on the seats of the bus. the way he frantically tugs my tight jeans down. i feel almost bad for him. if i wasn't just as deprived, i wouldn't have let him use me like he does. but i do let him and at the moment, i don't regret a thing.

~~~~

gabe lays in his bunk and i lay next to him. we pass a cigarette back and forth just contemplating every decision we had just made. "so are you going to talk now? you can't just go down on me and expect me to forget." 

i shake my head as i take a drag from the cigarette. gabe sighs. he's had enough of my shit and i can tell. "i'm sorry. it's complicated." i can practically feel how he rolls his eyes without even looking at him to know.

"it's always complicated with you. ryan, how are you today? complicated. did you eat today? why not? it's complicated. jerk off enough this week? no? it must be complicated! come on, man. i only want to help." he shifts, sitting up to look me in the eye.

i only respond with an annoyed grunt and pull my shirt on. another sigh from gabe and i stand up from his bunk. i walk towards the front of the bus, passing brendon as i walk out. he gives me an apologetic look and i shrug. what could he possibly be sorry for?

then he gives me another look. one that says, "ryan. we need to talk." i nod towards the door, motioning for him to follow. the two of us step off of the bus, a confused looking pete leaning against its side.

we walked past, headed in a random direction. "what is it, brendon?" he grabs my wrist, pulling me towards a diner. the two of us walk in, grabbing a table. he looks beautiful as ever. i want to tell him but i can't. i bite my lip, staring across the table at him.

he seems to be able to read me. "i'm with pete." i nod, leaning back in my seat and closing my eyes. "i know, brendon." the boy also nods, a hand flying up to run through his slightly disheveled but still perfect hair.

"you can't avoid me. it isn't that serious. i won't tell anyone. i haven't told anyone." he voice wavers slightly as if the fact that i'm ignoring him actually affects him. i scoff but then immediately regret it. because i understand. i know how it feels to be ignored.

i lean forward, wanting to hear what he says. "okay. speak."

 


	5. 1.4

"the avoiding me needs to stop. it's ridiculous. all i did was relate to you. yes. you're immortal. so am i. so what? i'm not gonna tell." brendon once again spoke with his hands. almost frantically as he tried getting his point across.

he is perfect and i can feel a deep hatred in my heart for my best friend. i'm jealous of pete. i just want to lean across the table and kiss the beautiful specimen in front of me. but i don't. i dig my nails into my thighs, trying my best to keep myself grounded. 

"i'm sorry, brendon." and i am. i don't want him to be upset. no one as beautiful as him should ever be upset. especially because of someone like me. it's wrong. what i feel for him. i barely know him. but everytime i'm around him, my heart leaps out of my chest and i have no control of my hormones. i've only been around him about four times. 

i need a drink. i need multiple drinks and someone to use me for the night that isn't gabe. he has feelings for me. not that kind of feelings that make you want to be with someone. the kind that make you their best friend. the kind that make you care about them and only want the best for them.

"where are you going?" brendon crosses his arms over his chest as i stand up, pulling a cigarette from my pocket. "out. you're welcome to join." i walk out of the diner, not expecting him to follow. he does. 

~~~~ 

the place smells of beer and dispair. just as i do. brendon sits next to me at the bar, glass of whiskey in hand. he stares down at it before tentatively glancing at me, his lip pulled between his teeth. we'd both had a few drinks, just basking in the silence and the dim glow of the bar's lights. 

"what?" i look up from my own drink at him, seeing the suggestive look in his eye. brendon stands up, tilting his head toward the bathroom. i stand with him, following as he takes every graceful step towards the back of the bar. he was perfect in every single way. even drunk. and god, i wanted him more than anything right now.

~~~~  
{ viewer discretion is advised }

we were kissing. he was against the locked door. he was speaking with his hands again. no words. just hands frantically searching out of desperation for where to go next. they landed in my hair, giving a rough tug and pulling a soft groan from my lips.

i've never been one for much noise but this, this is pure ecstasy and i can't control myself. our lips separate and mine immediately attach to his neck. he lets out a breathless whimper and a whisper, "pete..." i knew what he meant. i didn't care. let pete see. let him know maybe him and brendon weren't right for each other. 

he pushed me away, grabbing me and pulling me into the nearest bathroom stall. he pulled off my jeans first before beginning work on his own. 

my hand brushed against him, wanting to feel him. wanting to feel how hard i had made him. he gasped softly as i palmed him slowly through the rough fabric, whining at the loss of contact once i moved away. 

now here we were. the clothes from our lower halves discarded on the bathroom floor. he moves his hips ever so slowly, his face buried in my neck. his pace picks up speed and i move up into him every few quick rolls of his hips against mine. 

we've been going at it for a while but neither of us wanted to stop. whenever he was close, he only slowed down. then he would pick up the pace, once again running a marathon, the trophy being his release. 

brendon's nails dig into my fully clothed shoulders as he lifts his head. our eyes lock before his flutter shut. his neck is covered in dark marks of my doing and i see them as he tilts his head back from the pleasure. 

we're both on edge. i can tell from his quick pants and the way he desperately claws at my chest. "fuck i can't..." he breathes out between short breaths and i only push him further along, my hands on his hips, guiding him to match the pace i wanted. that we both wanted. 

i can feel it and soon my vision goes white. all i can feel is bliss. i hear nothing but my own moans and then the dirty moan that leaves his own lips, a soft scream tearing it's way from his throat as he finally reaches his goal and i mine.

one last slow movement from him and he completely stops. our heavy breathing is the only sound that echoes through the empty bathroom. he bites his lip as he slides out of my lap and pulls his tight jeans on. no underwear. was he planning this? 

i have no idea has i pull my boxers on, followed by my own jeans. he stares in the mirror, still breathing heavily as he tries to fix his messy hair. i watch before he walks out and i wait before walking out after him.

i don't know exactly what just happened but now i knew that i just wasn't one for sharing.


	6. 1.5

this was good reason to avoid him. but i couldn't. i could always avoid pete as much as i can though. i have a hangover from hell but i feel nothing but bright and happy. on the inside.

i very ungracefully drag myself from my bunk, avoiding even looking towards pete's which is across from me. i can hear someone shift from behind the small curtain, assuming it's either pete or brendon. maybe both. it's afternoon so i know everyone else is already awake.

"you look like the personification of hell." joe is the first to break the silence in the front of the bus after i sit down. "and you look like you finally got laid." i say nothing as i take the cup of coffee handed to me by dallon.

joe simply glares at me, taking an exaggeratedly long sip of his own coffee. he's been sexually frustrated this whole tour so far and we're only three shows in.

"okay, boys. no need for the tension so early." dallon speaks next, trying to keep his band together. his band. that's what he thinks. just because he found me in a park one night.

dallon had pete already. but we had met plenty of times beforehand. i'm only eighteen but i had gone to plenty of bars, often running into _the_ pete wentz. he was barely twenty one when we first met. just being allowed to go into bars.

we engaged in conversations ranging from our love of music to our daddy issues. his could never compete with mine. then the affair started. it was only an affair on my part. but in my defense, my girlfriend had started it first. i was only continuing it

then i ended it with everyone. i was only trying pete out. she was only using me. and i know it seems like i had gone through everyone in the band, including the boyfriend of the guy i used to mess around with, but that wasn't entirely true.

i'd never touched dallon, me and tyler only made out once, and joe was still thinking about it. i'd never offered but i could tell he was thinking of letting someone from the band go down on him. i had been lucky enough to find a group of guys who accepted me for my sexual preference.

pete was the oldest of us all and the richest. he had his daddy's money and that gave him the advantage. the bus? his. the equipment? his. if he wanted to leave, he could take all his stuff back. and i just hope he won't find out about last night.

pete had a best friend named joe. joe could play guitar. apparently. so we let him try. surprisingly he was good. i had a best friend named tyler. he could play anything he could get his hands on. one of those things being drums fortunately.

and that was not dallon's band. but it was our band. we all put effort into it. and now we were going to crash and burn before we even became stars. and it was going to be all my fault.

i'm pulled out of my thoughts when pete makes his way to the front of the bus, brendon close behind him. he gave a quick glance and i watch as he takes a seat by his boyfriend.

"okay!" dallon yelled and i winced, my head pounding. he was always far too enthusiastic when we had to do something we didn't want. my first guess was a photoshoot. he was trying hard because i hated those. "get ready boys. we have a photoshoot to do."

i'm right and the band groans in annoyance, none of us prepared. especially not me having slept in last nights clothes with all of my bad deeds still on my mind.

and everyone knows you're never at your best with a guilty conscience.


	7. 1.6

we all sit, getting our hair and makeup fixed for the shoot. the hair stylist struggles to tame my curls and joe is getting so much hairspray sprayed in his hair that he could deplete the ozone layer just by shaking his head. i look at joe, wheezing and coughing exaggeratedly just to annoy him. he rolls his eyes, flipping me off.

brendon stands in a corner watching us and laughs. it was the most beautiful sound i had heard all day. i smile at him and he gives me a small smile and a slight wave.

"ryan, you can't move so much. you're gonna lose an eye." "you know i'd look hot with an eyepatch." we flirt casually and i see brendon roll his eyes before walking off. he's jealous. i almost feel bad but i shouldn't because he's with pete. not me. so i say nothing as he walks off, only standing to get out of my seat. they set the band up for the shoot, me in front and the rest of the guys behind me. as usual, i was the center of attention. "why can't i ever be in the front? or at least next to him." joe crosses his arms, the photographer only making him uncross them. 

"you'll get your solo shots when we're finished, joe." she smiles and that seems to satisfy his need to get attention. "i'm okay with being in the back." tyler speaks up next, trying to lighten joe's latest sour mood. joe wasn't a bad guy. he just knew what he wanted. he threw many diva tantrums. we let him.

the photographer poses us any way she can. we cooperate, although tired and annoyed. i was always the more awkward of the guys, not being too great at photoshoots or being photogenic at all. i always did what i was told to do.

the photoshoot is finished and the guys start walking off. i pull out a cigarette, placing it in my mouth while i search for something to light it. pete's still here, lingering. his boyfriend is nowhere to be seen.

"so. what happened last night?" pete speaks first as i finally get the cigarette lit. "what?" he gives me a look that says, "don't play dumb." i simply nod before speaking. "he wanted to talk about what happened at the party."

pete nods this time, leaning towards me. "and?" "and we talked. we went to a bar, got drunk, he ran off. thought he went back to you."

he saw. saw that i'd practically left my signature on his boyfriend's neck with my mouth. but my lie, it has to work. he looks convinced. "well.. i'll talk to him later. have you seen him?" i shake my head. "he ran off a while ago. never came back."

i just need brendon to back me up. somehow have a story that matches mine. i'm hoping he does. i don't want anyone getting hurt. especially not him.

~~~~

"what'd you tell him?" i stand over him and he doesn't look up, simply turning the page. "why does it matter? he's my boyfriend. it's none of your business."

"it is my business because we... you know what happened." i cross my arms, and the book slams shut. "tell me, brendon." he stands up, setting the book down in his bunk.

"you cannot tell me what to fucking do. yes. you're the lead singer of your stupid boy band but you are not in charge of me!" he pushes past me, most likely making his way out of the bus. whatever happened between him and pete could not have been good.

and i was going to find out.

 


	8. 1.7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while since an update. here's one :)

"gabe. i need to talk to you about something." it's a hotel night. we're both in the bathroom, me in the shower and him probably taking a piss. 

"i'm listening." i peek from behind the shower curtain at him as to hold eye contact to make sure he's really listening. he is. he always listens. that's what i love so much about him.

"remember a few nights ago? i left with brendon?" he nods, pulling his jeans on. "flushing." i step back from the stream of water as the toilet flushes before continuing.

"well we just wanted to get to know each other more. after your party. he took me to his place that night after i cracked my head on your toilet." gabe tries not to laugh, only clearing his throat. "got it."

"we went to a diner. kinda fought i guess? i left to a bar. he came with. god, we were so drunk. then we ended up in the bathroom and we-" "he got a taste of your drunk spunk." my eyes widen and he finally breaks down laughing. 

"this is serious! i had sex with my bandmate's boyfriend in a dirty bathroom. and, fuck it was heavenly. but it was so wrong. gabe, help me." i step out of the shower and he hands me a towel. 

i wrap it around my waist before we walking out of the bathroom. "know what you need, ryan? more sex to distract you from sex." i raise an eyebrow while he lifts his suggestively and smirks. 

"you've turned me into a whore, saporta." he shakes his head. "you've turned yourself into one. i've simply helped. but what i mean is, you need to find brendon. let him know what you want." 

he was insane. but maybe whatever he was getting at could help me get brendon off of my mind. 

~~~~ 

the guys always know where to find a good party. although i'm not exactly in the mood and just craving attention from my best friend's boyfriend, i go along anyway. 

gabe tells me the rest of the band, including brendon, are already here. the place is huge. the mansion of a big record producer out here in new york. queens where no tall buildings disrupt the serenity and leave room for full houses. maybe i'll live out here one day. 

i have no idea where to even start in the crowd of models and groupies and other, bigger names in the music industry. 

i see brendon in a corner talking to a rather flashy, egotistical rockstar. he seems star struck and i just walk over. "and what brings you here?" brendon looks shocked at my sudden interruption and i just smile. 

brendon pulls me close, whispering in my ear. "ryan. that's-" "freddie mercury. i know. we've met." just a few months into fame and i already knew the bigger names. 

"hi, freddie. how's the band?" freddie flashes a grin and i can practically hear brendon's heart drop. he's definitely star struck. the sex appeal of the two of us is getting to his head. 

"well, we were in the area. how are you, darling?" brendon shakes his head in disbelief and shoots me a glare. "well i'm just great. hey, tell the others i said hi. and roger still owes me money." 

i smile before dragging brendon off. "what are you doing? i was talking to him-" brendon tries pulling his arm away. "well i need to talk to you." 

"what could this possibly be about, ross?" he doesn't seem to realize that i've led him to an empty room. "this is about us. i know you think about it. i think about it all the time now." 

my grip tightens around his wrist and i can feel his rapid pulse. his heart is pounding. he does think about us. i don't want to talk anymore. my head is spinning but i haven't had a thing to drink. i let go before backing away to lock the door. 

before i can react, i'm pressed against it, his lips on mine. and once again, i'm in heaven.


	9. 1.8

we did it again and i don't feel bad. we lay in someone else's bed, brendon staring up at the ceiling and me staring at him. i can't even begin to feel bad. 

this time was longer than the last. the last was drunk sex in a bar bathroom, the pent up sexual tension clearly getting to our heads. drunk actions, sober thoughts. 

"does pete make you feel like that? does he make you sound like that?" i'm the first to break the almost silence of just our heavy breathing. "i don't want to talk about pete right now.." 

he practically pleads with me to keep his boyfriend's name out of my mouth. but i think he's just ashamed that i can keep his boyfriend's name out of his mouth and replace it with my own. "tell me. does he make you feel like that? does he make you that needy? so hard that you're practically crying?" 

"no." he whimpers out his response, his eyes averting from me. i knew it. he's ashamed but he wouldn't have it any other way. "exactly." 

he turns back to me, now glaring. "you're such an egotistical bastard. you think you're better than him? he loves me, ryan. you're just here for the sex. and maybe i wouldn't feel bad if you didn't rub in the fact that he's not you." 

"but-" he cuts me off, beginning to pull on his clothes. "no. i don't want to hear it." i sit up and grab the back of his neck, pulling him in for a gentle kiss. i want to tell him that i do love him but this is the only way i can right now. i don't want him to run off just yet. 

"i need to go, ryan." he finally pulls away, although seeming a bit hesitant. he's fully clothed by now. i nod as i grab my clothes from the floor and put them back on. brendon unlocks the door, walking out first. 

i walk out a few minutes after as to not draw any suspicion towards us. 

~~~~ 

they're yelling. outside of the bus, pete and brendon are arguing. we're about to play. the bus is parked outside of the venue and the rest of the band is inside. 

i sit with tyler next to me, nearly close enough to be in my lap. he has his face buried in my neck while i play with his hair. "you feeling okay?" tyler's been complaining lately of feeling sick and i'm worried. he usually got nervous but this was different. 

"dallon, we can't go on tonight without our drummer." tyler lifts his head, about to speak. he jumps up and runs to the toilet to throw up. 

"we can't just cancel a show, ry." i sigh and nod. "what are we supposed to do? we can't find a new drummer in ten minutes." they're back on the bus and brendon speaks first. 

"i can play drums." pete stares at him in disbelief like they weren't just fighting. like they couldn't just go on stage after that. dallon claps, smiling. "it's settled then. we have our new drummer." 

tyler walks back out, plopping down in my lap. he sounds drained as he talks. "welcome to the band, brendon..." 

~~~~ 

the show went well. the fans seemed to love him. but pete seemed to be feeling the opposite. 

we all sat on the bus, waiting for dallon to give the word so we could all run off. joe tilted his head toward pete, cigarette in his mouth. "what crawled up your ass and died?" 

"ryan. oh wait. he crawled up my boyfriend's ass!" i nearly choke on the beer i'm drinking as my eyes widen. he knows. he's known for a while. 

i shake my head, setting the beer down. "what?" pete laughs, shaking his head. "don't play dumb with me, ross. i fucking know. disappearing at the same time and coming back separately? nice try. we've done all that before. remember? back when you were with your girlfriend." 

he was right. you can't cheat a cheater. "pete i'm-" "no. i'm done. i quit!" 

dallon walks from the back of the bus as he says that. "hey, let's be rational here. there's only a few more months of tour left." 

"i can't do a few more months of tour. i can't. i quit, dallon. i quit! it was fun while it lasted. if i didn't care about you, ryan, i'd take all of this back. the bus, the equipment, your rockstar image, all mine." he was right. i feel sick as i sink down lower into my seat. pete's grabbing his things and before we know it, storming off of the bus.

i look at brendon and he has tears in his eyes. i can't believe him. and he seems to know the next time he speaks. "don't. i couldn't keep it from him, ryan." i just continue to say nothing before everyone goes silent.

joe breaks the awkward silence first. "hey, brendon. do you know how to play the bass?"


	10. 1.9

pete had gone back home last night. he called dallon to let him know he was alive and not drunk driving off of a cliff. i felt sick ever since he left. i was stupid but my need for someone to fill the empty void in my heart left me blind to what i was doing.

"i'm sorry." me and brendon both speak at the same time to dallon. "one at a time, boys." i sigh, nodding. "i'm sorry. i shouldn't have gone after pete's boyfriend the way i did. it's just.. he's so perfect." i speak about him as if he's not standing beside me. 

a smile finds it's way to his face before he shakes his head, speaking next. "i'm sorry for letting all this happen. i should've never come on tour. i ruined it all. all because his cocky as hell bandmate found his way into my heart and my pants."

i snort, trying not to laugh at his words. dallon raises an eyebrow at us, wondering if we even mean this. i'm wondering too. "well.. it was bound to happen. bands don't stay together. neither do people." 

and that was it. 

~~~~

tyler was better when the next show came around. he smiles from the drums, giving me a thumbs up. i look at joe and he nods before i look to brendon. brendon is messing around with the bass, biting his lip in concentration. he finally looks at me, smiling. i can tell he's nervous. 

joe is playing now and then tyler picks up with the drums. it's brendon's turn and then he starts. i'm almost distracted as i watch him play but i start to sing. 

the show goes well. we make no mistakes and the fans seem happy to see brendon again. but really i just want to be alone with him. 

we're packing the equipment. brendon has drops of sweat dripping down his face. he looks beautiful under the spotlights and i just want to kiss him. but that would ruin each and every one of us. if they knew this band had even one homosexual, we'd probably be forever exiled from the music industry. 

or maybe i'm just being dramatic. the band walks off the stage. i'm the last to walk off right after brendon. 

"hey, bren." we're outside the bus. everyone else is in it. i have him trapped. not that he doesn't want it. i kiss him, pinning him against the bus. he immediately kisses back before slowly pushing me away. 

"you have me all to yourself so now.. you get to wait." he shoves past me, getting on the bus. was he challenging me? i think so.

~~~~

i'm kissing him and he's kissing back. all we have is clothes keeping us apart and the hotel mattress underneath us. my hands slide under his shirt but he grabs my wrists, stopping me. 

he wants this as much as i do but he continues to play hard to get. he's on top of me now, pressing against me and it's almost painful. then he gets up. torture. he's torturing me. 

i breathe heavily, staring up at him with nothing but lust and confusion in my eyes. "what's up with you, man?" i huff and sit up, crossing my arms. "i already told you, ryan. you'll just have to wait." 

there's a knock on the door and i groan. brendon walks over to the door and opens it slowly. he looks over at me and mouths, "gabe". i'm almost greatful for him.  i'll have at least someone to help finish me off. i'm already desperate so it won't take long. 

gabe walks in, staring at brendon as he walks out. "he still denying you?"

hopefully he can figure out my answer with the way i kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys gotta let me know what you think and if there's anything i can do to improve on this story i appreciate all my readers <3


	11. 1.10

brendon is avoiding me. all of the times i tried avoiding him and now he's avoiding me. i'm not sure what i did and i'm not sure what i can do either. i just let him avoid me. we have a day off and i'm determined to get to him. 

it isn't easy since all brendon ever does is run off. first he was playing hard to get. now he's playing even harder to get. i'm roaming the streets of some small town. there's not much to do out here and really, it's boring. this town could use someone like me to give it life again. 

there's nothing to do here. but i do find a bar. i'm alone. all i really want right now is to find brendon. i'm desperate and i miss him. he's probably here but the bar is more crowded than i thought i would be. 

i look around and realize the bar is only filled with men. of course he would be here. he has a whole selection to choose from. playing hard to get isn't that easy. sometimes you really just need to suck someone off. even if they aren't the someone you want. 

i have trouble finding him, but i'm right. he is here. in the corner with a blonde that could probably crush him. their hands are all over each other. i don't know what to do except pull the guy off of brendon and punch him. 

so i do. 

~~~~

brendon walks out of the bar and i stumble out behind him. i can't see out of my right eye and the blood on my shirt is drying. he's angry and i start to doubt if it's just because i started a bar fight.

"what's your problem?" he turns to me, laughing. "my problem? ryan, you are the last person who can talk about me having problems!" 

i'm confused and he notices, only getting angrier. "you act like you want me but any chance you get you're off fucking gabe!" i look down, sighing. "i mean usually it's the other way around but i guess i fuck gabe sometimes..." i don't know what i'm saying until after i say it. i'm a little drunk.

he's fuming. his arms are crossed over his chest and he's breathing heavily.  "that's not the fucking point! you're such a condescending asshole! maybe if it wasn't for your ego, you'd have me a lot faster." 

before i can say another word, he's gone, storming off back to find the bus. i sigh, a hand going to wipe my bloody nose. 

~~~~ 

"no. no, no, no. take those off, ryan." i sit with my arms crossed, a pair of sunglasses on my face. "what? why?" dallon sighs, shaking his head. "you look like an egotistical dick." 

brendon snorts from his seat next to tyler. he didn't want to be near me and refused. i turn, giving him a glare that he can't see from behind the glasses. dallon snatches them off and i immediately reach for them. his eyes widen and i give him a nervous grin. 

"what the hell happened to your face?" brendon speaks before i can. "the dick head got into a bar fight. doesn't like people touching what's his. or what he can't have." joe laughs and i punch him lightly in the arm. 

dallon hands the glasses back and i put them on. "keep those on. we don't need the press asking questions." i nod. i was planning on it. 

"now!" the interviewer yells and joe winces. he has a hangover. maybe he finally got laid. "time for the first question." 

ten questions about me later and the band is walking out, now all ignoring me like brendon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once volume one is finished (or all posted because it's already written) i will begin writing what i haven't written for volume two. it's getting good (i hope).


End file.
